Eating Babies, Inflation hits 5%.

by Jack Gardner
jelly baby sweets in lots of different colours

Wages, static or falling, and inflation at 5%. The unemployed traipse around looking more and more like the Thriller video

Poverty is just another name for opportunity.

Nifties, this is our chance to recreate our world and put the clock back thirty years, bliss. Wages, static or falling, and inflation at 5%. The unemployed traipse around looking more and more like the Thriller video. What is this a recipe for Nifties? Not since Nanook of the North, have we seen such trying conditions. Civil disorder could be just around the corner. Oh no, we’ve already had that, but unfortunately high minded protests against the police, for shooting a man, became a Debenhams, in-store, trolly dash, which rather surrendered the moral high ground. Never mind the police are bound to shoot someone else soon and integrity can be clawed back with protests that don’t turn into a retail opportunity.

In 1729, at the height of the famine in Ireland, when thousands were starving to death, Jonathan Swift wrote a satirical (Obviously) article proposing that that the Irish should cook, and eat their own babies. Savings have to be made if similar solutions are not to be proposed by the Government under an emergency measures bill. The liberals have always said that under no circumstances would they support eating babies, so we’re safe there then. Until Cameron takes Cleggy behind the bike sheds and tells him how much it’ll save in child benefits. A win, win situation, food on the table and a slashed child support budget. Cleggy to lead civil service task force to stamp out illegal child benefits scam, he’ll buy it.

So if you want to avoid eating your children or your grandchildren, this is what you have to consider cutting.

Stop paying for Sky Television. The people who brought you hacking murdered school girls ‘phone and the closing the News of the World, sell you a whole raft of TV channels, from basic packages costing £32 a month, up to over a hundred pounds for sports and movies. Go to Broadmoor, find the occupant of a padded cell and tell them how much you are paying and for what. They’ll think you are raving mad.

Give up the mobile ‘phone and Blackberry subscription. Just stand outside a tube station at six in the evening and listen to how many people come out and immediately use their mobiles to say, ‘I’m at the tube station,’ or text, sorry txt, WTF?. Join the lobby for the introduction of on-street, French style, Pissoirs paid for by advertising in them for taxis, Miss X F***** and kebab shops. And insist that BT Install a payphone in the same kiosk.

Cancel broadband. As it doesn’t exist, just stop paying for it and nothing will change.

Give up the gym. And you will realise that just paying for it doesn’t make you fitter anyway, it’s using it that does that. Start using the most sophisticated running machine ever invented, the park.

Stop buying olive oil. Mazola is much better anyway, you save money and stop supporting the country that let Amanda Knox off.

Stop smoking and start going on protest marches against the police for shooting people just to stand down wind of burning buildings.

Stop drinking alcohol. No, let’s eat the babies.

Get a second hand Fiat 500. No, that’s supporting the country that let out Amanda Knox.

Turn the temperature down on the central heating. It’s only people with babies who need sub tropical temperatures.

Get your money in cash and put it into piles on the kitchen table, gas, electric, petrol, food, mortgage/rent, clothes, council tax, holidays, insurances, sedative prescriptions.

Finally the government needs to introduce TF’s, Trolly Feds. These are ex customs officers, trained in searching luggage at airports. They go through your shopping trolly, before the checkout asking why you are buying certain items like cashew nuts, bottled water and Earl Gray Tea. Oh and don’t try to hide the lemon grass amongst the carrot tops, they know all the tricks. Huggies, just try it.

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