Industries of the Future

by Jack Gardner

Clearly one of the future industries is junk mail. It is about persuading us to buy stuff which will help revive the economy

Before my ears were syringed, I misheard a mention on the radio of Carmelite Nuns, and thought they said Armalite Nuns. My mind raced, is there a sect of armed sisters out to deliver a hail of bullets not a hail of Mary’s. Had their patience and eternal forgiveness for doing anything bad finally snapped, I know mine has. Which made me wonder if Nuns get junk mail, I do, and I know that you do?

Industries of the future, no, not robots, not until they can get them to act a bit better than they are at the moment on Eastenders. Or inventing car engines that run on spit. No, as economic recovery depends on people buying stuff so the future industries will be all about selling. I suppose it’s all to do with the recession, everything seems to be blamed on the recession but why the collapse of the economy would make Charles Tyrwhit think I’d want one of his shirts for £24.95, with free brass collar stiffeners, more than at any other time, I don’t know.

But that was just one of twenty junk mail offers I’ve had this week. Abel and Cole kindly sent me a leaflet to say that I can have an organic veg box that will feed 2 or 3 for £13 a week plus 99p delivery. They have missed one vital point about shopping in supermarkets here. Veg is the best think to hide the booze in the bottom of the trolley. In fact carrots with their tops on were introduced for just that purpose and not called camouflage carrots for nothing. Why else would you buy the handle for yanking a carrot up? And they are up against the Co-op leaflet offering spuds at 75p and they have an excellent range of alcoholic beverages plus nostalgia for us Nifties in the ‘Divvi.’

There is also a promotion from John Lewis about it’s insurance services that include Travel, Life, Home and Pet cover. It has a rather strange photo on the front of a cat walking along a mantlepiece and knocking a little vase off which is obviously going to smash. I don’t understand it. Does it mean that you can claim for the vase. No it can’t as the vase looks like a 10p item from OXFAM. Maybe it’s about pet insurance as the moggy will obviously sustain considerable injuries from the beating it’s about to get. Then there’s the Stressless Leaflet. This is selling a chair which has features, ‘you only find on a Stressless recliner.’ It comes in three sizes, small, medium and large. I suppose for that read, small, medium and fat people not chairs. There are pictures of fit and beautiful young people lounging in them, the very people you know would be the last people in the world to be seen slumped in a Stressless. They’d rather sit on a horse in the living room to watch TV than one of these public displays of a sad life. I’d rather get comfy on a tripod fishing stool to watch Lorraine Pascale than tell the world I’m a stressless lounger.

So clearly one of the future industries is junk mail. It is about persuading us to buy stuff which will help revive the economy. Or we could try another pursueder. Armalite nuns kicking the door in and asking us to spend, spend, spend.

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