It’s Good News Week (Hedgehoppers Anonymous)

by Jack Gardner

So the world has been plunged into an economic catastrophe, not seen Nifties, since nutty slack went through the pound a ton barrier, and the potato famine in Ireland made Walkers introduce the Lineker, as a unit of despair.



So the world has been plunged into an economic catastrophe, not seen Nifties, since nutty slack went through the pound a ton barrier, and the potato famine in Ireland made Walkers introduce the Lineker, as a unit of despair. The future looks as bleak as it does for a Wooton Bassett florist.

Everyone’s been put on the minimum wage apart from writers who are paid ten times more, given free hotel accommodation, first dibs on meat and access to the royal wine cellars.

£5 or £4.99 in ASDA for 80 tea bags, is a bargain. Petrol is £4.79 a litre and bread £3.99 for a small farmhouse crusty. A family electricity bill for a year is £3999 and a pint of milk £3.49. Bargain packs of 4 tins of Tuna in sunflower oil £16.49 in Waitrose with a favourable price comparison to Tesco’s. Bottled water has pretty much disappeared from the shelves as have most wines after a five hundred per cent tax increase took a bottle of plonk to over £25. White Lightening cider has left a huge hole in all our lives.

When house repossessions peaked at a fifty-thousand a month the building societies declared a truce on arrears and simply agreed to increase the mortgage term, sometimes by up to nine hundred years, by which time people will have gone to mars, realized it was a waste of time and come back to recolonise earth only to find that the Abbey National is offering free eye transplants if you’ll take out a ‘beyond the grave,’ accident insurance with them. ‘Who’a you gonna call?’

Most alcohol consumption is illegally produced potcheen, made from potatoes stolen from Walkers fields, unless the thieves legs are cut off by triggering a concealed, Lineker. It’s distilled using copper pots bought on ebay and hidden in the woods. Blindness caused by this tainted alcohol is rapidly becoming the leading cause of hospitalisation. In fact columns of the blind can be seen being led along the streets to a new home, each victim has a hand on the shoulder of the one in front of them.

Conservation and efforts to stop global warming have fallen by the wayside when all the swans were eaten and a two stroke rickshaw imported from the newly named Ceylon became the country’s best selling vehicle. Health and Safety issues have been forgotten in the need to just make stuff. In fact a health and safety inspector was tied up and made to watch a belt driven, farm, circular saw being used by a child to cut up logs. He knows that the belt slipping off the wheel can inflict a nasty slap across the face to the unwary or drunk.

Cookery programmes on TV have radically changed with titles like Jamie’s, ‘A Dog is Just for Christmas,’ and Nigella’s ‘How to Use every scrap of me.’

Greece is once again under military rule and the letter ‘Z’ is banned.

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