Pigs don’t die of heart attacks and they are made of pork.

by Jack Gardner

Did you know that… Isn’t that an annoying opening question? But I shall persist

Did you know that… Isn’t that an annoying opening question? But I shall persist. Did you know that a tomato seed is the only seed that can pass through the human body and remain fertile? By that I mean eaten and then passed, if that’s the right word. I don’t mean shot through with a tomato seed as clearly if it was in the eyes you’d die. Tomato seed cartridges? Sounds like something the SAS would invent. That’s why tomatoes are seen growing around sewerage works, where they have been spread, with supposedly, ‘treated’ stuff, on the ground around the works. People assumed that it was the sewerage plant workers favourite fruit, for fruit it certainly is, and not a vegetable.

I only mention this as the acquisition of this knowledge a year ago has rather coloured my view, not only of the fruit itself, but also my approach to all medical knowledge. I mean if that is a medical fact then you might as well accept that all medical facts are odd. As I have mentioned before the government believe it is their job, no crusade, to make us all healthier. It all smacks of Hitlers black and white films of girls doing things with hoops in the sunshine and being happy. And we all know what happened to their health.

The plans our leaders have eh? Increase tax on fags and booze and take away the only pleasure some poor people have in life. I agree that alcohol is bad for you as it makes you say stupid things like, ‘I was in the SAS, but we just call it the Regiment, but don’t tell anybody okay? I just can’t talk about a lot of stuff I’ve done okay?’ Five a day. More veg, who says that’s good for you? And now the bombshell. Cholesterol, salt, sugar, killers right? No wrong, not proved. Japanese live longer than us on twice as much fat. Am I surprised no. It’s the do gooder mentality of a government of them and us.

I say all this Nifties because of course we are the unique first generation who grew up under the National Health Service and blew the statistics to hell. It’s true we all started living longer as soon as we had access to universal health care and enough food to eat. What a surprise eh dummy? But now even that’s gone bad on us and the next generation after us had to abuse the privilege and overdo it and get fat, or the technical term, obese. But what’s wrong with the word fat? We can’t use it because people used to shout fatty, at fat people. They didn’t shout, obesey, so of course fatty is out as is baldy and shorty and skinny.

Whoever said a healthy body leads to a healthy mind anyway? I mean psychopaths and dictators can keep fit and still be crazier than a winged rat. It’s obviously silly although I suppose that if you can get the youth into the boxing ring even with their Uzi’s it’s better than them rioting.

But an Uzi, even in a boxing ring, is an incredibly inaccurate weapon. I learned that in the SAS.

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